Howdy. I cain't say what it is that I'm s'posed to be talkin' about here, 'cept this fella done wrote me on the phone mail sayin' he's somethin' like my seventh cousin nine-times removed and that he tells stories to his computer about that Disneyland place. Well, that right there s'prised me, as I thought the innernet was just a place where's folks had nekkid pitchers of theyselves. I stands corrected. So rest a spell whilst I carve a chunk of government cheese and put yer teeth up on the windowsill and I'll tells y'all a story.

What we done was this: They had this contest at the local Piggly-Wiggly, where folks had to guess how many pig's feet was in this big ol' bucket and I reckon my guess was right on the money. It's a dang fool who thinks he can put one over on a Plantain when it comes to pig's feet. Well, next thing I know we's gettin' picked up by one a them big long lemonosines like what the rich folks drive, and it's takin' us to that place where they have all them big arrow planes and whatnot, tellin' us we's goin' to Californy, where all them movie stars live. I don't cotton much to the idear of being that far up in the air, so I drank me a big ol' jar fulla Everhoo afore takin' off, and didn't wake up 'til near the time we showed up at the big motor hotel where we was to stay. I don't rightly remember the name of the place, as it had lotsa words I didn't reckanize right off. I can only say that I ain't never seen somethin' so big that wasn't anchored to the ground by more than a garden hose in my life.

Well, the next mornin' we set off to that Disneyland place and I tell you, I ain't never seen nuthin' so strange in all my life. We et brefuss at this ol' place what had the biggest dang critters I ever seen. They was all runnin' around pesterin' folks who was tryin' ta eat their own brefuss, only these other folks didn't look all that annoyed about it. Some a them was even takin' pictures with these critters and laughin' and all. I reckon I'm just cut from diff'rent stock. I see me a five-foot chipmunk, and all I think is that's a whole winter full of snacks. I tend not to take pictures of food. Earline, that's my wife, she done near tried to whack that ol' chipmunk down with a chair but I stopped her afore damage could be done and reminded her that whence in Rome, it's best not to beat on large varmints with furniture.

After we was done eatin', we commenced to walk about and look at all the strange things. First thing we seen was all these folks waitin' in a big ol' line fer somethin', but we knew not what it was. We reckoned them folks looked mighty happy, so we went and stood with 'em, thinkin' it might be the line for the outhouse. Well, I was wrong as wrong can be and next thing I know, they're clampin' us into this here little rocketship that's a-headin' out to space and I'm getting' riled 'cause they didn't warn us and I didn't have time to drink some Everhoo to take the edge offa the experience. By the time I realized the downright peril of the situation, it was all done and they was rushin' us offa the little rocketship. I don't know how they sent us to space and back so fast, and I seen this movie once where a guy was in space without a helmet and his head done blowed right up only our heads didn't blow up at all. Earline's beehive got a little messed up, but that was the worst of it. I started a-wonderin' what I'd done that made the folks at the Piggly-Wiggly wanna send me to such a weird place and how I could keep them from wantin' to do that to me again.

I tell y'all, we wanted to git 'bout as far from that place as we could, so we commenced to walkin', and by and by we found ourselves at another line for something called the Pirate ride. Now, I seen that movie and liked the pirate what talked like that guy from the Rolling Stones. Not the one what looks like Barney Fife – the one what looks like a zombie. Well, if'n I thought going to space was weird, that was nuthin' compared to this. It was round about noon when we got inside but once we was in that little boat, it looked like midnight in the swamp. Earline and me couldn't figger it out and we tried hollerin' to the old coot what sits outside his swamp shack but he wouldn't talk at us. Seems he was puttin' on airs or somethin' 'cause he wouldn't even look at me. In fact, none a them pirates seemed like they knew we was there, even when I tried throwin' stuff at them to get they's attention. Soon's we got outta that boat, it was daylight again and that just threw me fer a loop. Now, I ain't schooled in the ways of time travel, though I have been known to lose entire days when they put out a new Jughead comic book. I'd a thought that only happened in my outhouse, but mebbe them Disney folks know a thing or two about the Jughead time-travel hoodoo. Me n' Earline went back on that pirate boat a couple a times but then reckoned it wasn't good to mess much with the fabric of space and time so we got out and went lookin' fer some snack food.

I cain't say much good 'bout a place what don't sell RC Cola or Moon Pies. They sell these big ol' turkey legs right out of a box with wheels on it, so I reckon they ain't all that bad. Then it was time to look fer what we'd come all that way to see. When I was a young'n, I heard tell of a place where they had these singin' bears. Well to hear tell, them bears not only sang but they played banjo and gutbucket and all sorts of nice things and me n' Earline was right excited to see them bears and then somebody told us that the singin' bears was gone, they'd up and moved to Florida and that about did us in. They showed us that there was a poo ride where the singin' bears use ta be, but neither of us was of a mind to take a poo ride.

The sun was a-goin' down, and we went over to that big white house where they got all the kids a-singin'. What me n' Earline didn't know is that they wasn't kids in there, they was these weird robot babies a-singin' and hollerin' and dancin' and all. So we're there in the little robot kid boat and I leans over to splash some water on my face and it tastes like swimmin' pool water, only different then when them kids have been a-swimmin'. So we gets outta the boat and it's dark outside, only this time it's dark all over, not like at the Pirate boat ride. Me n' Earline reckoned enough was enough and commenced to findin' our way out a that weird place when all of a sudden they's this big boom and all these folks are pointin' up at the sky and smiling and whatnot. Well, I ain't never seen nothin' like that in all my days. That there sky was on fire and blowin' up like crazy and these folks is all actin' like it was the best thing they ever seen. Earline screamed so loud her store-bought teeth popped right out and landed on some kid's head. That was the funniest thing I seen all day. Anyway, we got out of that crazy place 'bout as quick as we could and went back to motor hotel afore we lost our minds. We used up 'bout four of them disposable cameras that day, so we made sure to dispose of 'em as we left.

Them pictures ain't showed up yet.